Bedtime Tips // Articles // Family Psychology of South Bend

Bedtime Tips

Establishing a More Peaceful, Independent Bedtime Routine

Set up a clear, consistent, time-limited bedtime routine.

Set the stage for nighttime. Talk about why rest is important for growing bodies/and everyone. We relax our whole body: arms, fingers, legs, feet, toes, mouth, etc. Explain that this is time to relax/rest to get ready for a busy tomorrow.
Tone of voice/Body language. Voice: calm, soft and relaxed. Talk to children softly and gently as you give directions/invite them to get pajamas, read a book, etc.
Room Environment sets the stage also. Shades down! You might want to arrange for some soft rest time music, or have lights low when you are ready to get pajamas on.
*Sequence of Tasks – Child should be able to predict the routine. A typical routine might be to…
1. get pajamas on
2. brush teeth
3. read 1 book of child’s choice
4. say a loving goodnight

h4.Addressing Opposition or Stalling Tactics

If child refuses pajamas or brushing teeth, give child a choice: “Would you like _______ or would you rather go straight to bed tonight?” (Without saying it explicitly, this statement means that there will be no book read tonight.)

If child calls for parents or asks for water, night light, book, etc: “It’s time for bed. I’m not going to talk with you anymore now because it is important that I let you get your sleep.”

If child turns light on and/or plays in bedroom after bedtime: Ignore. Wake child at regular morning waking time.

If child keeps coming out of room, just briefly state, “It’s time for bed” and take their hand and kindly lead them back into bed. You may have to do this several times at first. It also helps if the rest of the family goes to bed and lights are all out.

Tolerate the child’s emotions – If your child is accustomed to you laying down with them or having an hour wind-down before bed, they will have some discomfort and even anger at times. It is strongly recommended that during the bedtime routine, you let your child handle their own emotions. They will not be harmed by their emotions and the attachment is not at risk if you are consistent and have talked about the routine ahead of time.

Fears and Bad Dreams

Offer brief reassurance that child and family are safe.
Remind child that a bad/scary thought is just a thought and it can be replaced with a specific happy thought of child’s choice (perhaps a thought about family fun or a memory of a holliday).
Remind child to use a soothing object (best if they have identified a special soft, soothing toy or book in a previous discussion).
Be calm and unimpressed by fears.
State, “It’s time for bed. Let’s talk in the morning.”
Show confidence in your child’s ability to cope. “You are getting bigger now. You can do this.”
NEXT DAY: Discuss what bothers the child about bedtime and, together, identify some tools for self- soothing to be used at bedtime and/or during the night. Our job as parents is to help children learn about tools that can help at times of stress but it is important that the child develop the ability to independently practice routines for relaxation when dealing with stress (since dealing with stress will forever be a part of life). At some point, we have to let their fears be their fears and we have trust they will cope independently.

If the problem has become chronic:

Prepare everyone in advance for trying something new.
Check to see if child possibly might have a physical illness which might make them uncomfortable.
If child appears healthy,
Discuss the problem of bedtime with child at a calm time during the day.
Identify soothing object of child’s choice
Ask child what could we change about the environment of the bedroom that might make it more relaxing (maybe a nightlight, special place for a special stuffed animal, door open, change of wall color). This helps give child some sense of control and time to prepare self for the change of independently relying on things in the environment.
Show confidence in your child’s ability to cope. “You are getting bigger now. You can do this just like you recently learned to do that other fun thing that you couldn’t do when you used to be little.”
On the chosen day for starting a more independent bedtime:
Make sure family schedule for that week seems pretty “normal” overall.
Best to start on a Friday night in case there is crying that keeps family members awake.
Follow bedtime routine listed at top with steps 1, 2, 3 and 4.
If child comes back out of bedroom or cries loudly enough to disturb the whole family, briefly state “It’s time for bed. I won’t talk with you anymore now because it is important that I let you get your sleep.”
If child keeps coming out of room, just briefly state, “It’s time for bed” and take their hand and kindly lead them back into bed. You may have to do this several times at first. It also helps if the rest of the family goes to bed and lights are all out so that there is nothing of interest going on.
If child has toileting issues or vomiting issues related to getting really upset, allow child to do as much as possible on their own and give child responsibility for cleaning-up to the best of their ability. No need for discussion or lectures. If possible, don’t show your anger.

Optional weaning method:

In my experience, the method above has always been successful within 3 days. If parents feel uncomfortable with the above methods and they feel a need for a more gradual process, a parent can gradually increase the distance between them and the child at bedtime. For example, if a parent was lying in the same bed as child, the next step would be for child to be in child’s own bed with parent sitting in a chair beside the bed or just outside child’s bedroom door. The next day, a parent could tell child that they will be in their own bedroom just down the hall. After a few more days, a parent could be downstairs while child is in upstairs bedroom.

If child has been crawling into parents’ bed, a parent may start to say “No” to sharing their bed but may allow child to sleep on floor next to parents’ bed for a few weeks before suggesting that child is ready to stay in their own room. CAUTION: this “weaning method” takes much longer.

Consider your parenting style. These strategies are aimed at maximizing a child’s independence, responsibility and cooperation. If these strategies are unacceptable to you, you may prefer a parenting style that addresses different priorities such as using a “no-cry” sleep training approach, including use of a “family bed,” considering attachment parenting, etc. A professional counselor or parent coach is sometimes used to identify accommodations to these strategies that reflect your personal parenting style.

Family Psychology of South Bend