Listening is the other half of communication. Our first thought, when we think about communication, may be to consider the speaker’s ability to convey ideas effectively. What we often forget is that without a listener the speaker may as well be talking to the wind. Just as effective speaking is an acquired skill, so is good listening. Some do it better than others. But all of us can learn to enrich our own listening skills.

Think about what happens when you hear someone speak. You pay attention to the person’s appearance, to activity in the background, to what you did earlier in the day, to a conversation you had with someone else, or to your counterargument, and how you will present it. Your mind flits from topic to topic as you take in only fragments of what the other person says. It seems a wonder that people understand each other as well as they do. The speaker conveys only a portion of the real meaning of an intended idea - and the listener may pick up on only a fraction of the information transmitted. We think we know what the speaker was trying to say, but often we are absolutely wrong. (Have you ever played the “rumor game” in a large circle? The first person whispers a message to the next in line, and this message goes from person to person until it gets to the end of the circle. Something like “two kittens were playing with a ball of string” easily mutates into “the lion sleeps tonight” as the message is relayed around the circle.)

Listening is itself a form of communication. Listening to another person sends the message that you care and that you are truly interested in the other person’s ideas. Without the ability to listen effectively, true intimacy and mutual respect between partners, two of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, are not even possible. When you fail to listen to your partner, you may impart the message that he or she doesn’t count, that you are the one with all the knowledge, and that you lack respect for your partner. These are hardly the qualities of a thriving and mutually beneficial relationship. Effective listening means that you want to learn from, enjoy, care about, trust, understand, and nurture your partner. A good listener sends the message that he or she is interested in the world and to new ideas and life experiences. To listen well is one way to show that you can love well.

Learn to Listen Effectively

The first step in mastering good listening skills is to become aware of why listening is important in your life and your relationships. And the next step is simply to start doing it. Practice listening whenever you can.

Here are a few rules to start the process:

• Never interrupt when the other person is speaking. Allow the speaker to complete his or her thought.
• Eliminate distractions - put your book down or turn off the television.
• Maintain eye contact while the other person is speaking.
• Pull your chair closer and lean toward the speaker.
• Keep your posture open - directly face your partner and leave your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Give verbal and nonverbal responses to what the speaker is saying - “yes, I see,” nod your head, smile, or frown when it’s appropriate.

Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive listening. In this mode we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has its limitations. Even though we are attentive, we still make assumptions about the message and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is that we want to hear. At this level we don’t check to see if what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.

The second, and more powerful, level is active listening (or reflective listening). This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process that involves giving feedback. Active listening requires that the listener paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback.

• Paraphrasing is the most important element of active listening. When your partner says something of interest, you should restate in your own words what you heard your partner say. You can provide a lead-in, such as “What I’m hearing you say is that…” or “So if I’m correct, you are telling me that….” Paraphrasing allows us to correct misconceptions as they occur, gives us the chance to resist obstacles to good listening, keeps both you and your partner from becoming defensive or feeling misunderstood, and helps us to remember what was said.
• Clarifying provides more depth to the listening process than merely paraphrasing. Your purpose in clarifying is to ask questions about what the speaker is saying in a helpful and empathic way. “So how did you feel when I cut you off?” “What did you think when I said I didn’t want to take that trip?” Clarifying does not involve belittling, manipulating or coercing your partner in any way. Its purpose is to tell the speaker that you are engaged in listening and want to know more about specific points.
• Giving feedback involves providing your personal thoughts on what your partner has said, without succumbing to the obstacles to good listening. You calmly state your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This gives your partner yet another chance to see if you got the message and to check out the accuracy of his or her communication. And perhaps your partner can gain a new or broader perspective on what was talked about.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Obstacles to Good Listening

Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look into how you deal with the world. If you tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward other people most of the time, it may be hard to engage in healthy and open listening. The same holds true if you need to please others or form dependent relationships with other people much of the time - it becomes hard to truly hear what they are trying to say…and you will hear only what you need to hear.

Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed.

Being Judgmental: When you have already made a negative judgment about someone, you will stop listening openly to what they have to say. You may listen only to gather evidence that supports your negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, if you are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, you will stay locked into your negative opinion.

Rehearsing: Your mind actively creates your argument against the speaker’s point of view as it is being presented. This implies that you have your own established opinions and that you are closed to what the other has to say.

Filtering: You will hear some things that the other person talks about, but not everything. There may be some topics, like the speaker’s anger toward you, which you simply block out because you aren’t as ready to deal with them as the other person might be. Filtering may be helpful when it is used to lessen the impact of bringing up an avoided topic, but continuing it for long usually means that it is best to examine the meaning behind your need to shut out some of the information.

Advising: Sometimes people just need to be heard. We don’t have to fix every problem the other person talks about. Giving advice instead of just listening may make us feel needed, or it may be a way of distancing ourselves from hearing the other’s true feelings. To tell someone else how they should feel or behave can be a way of belittling them or telling them that they are not to be trusted. Unless advice is asked for, it may be best not to give it.

Mind Reading: You may disregard what your partner is saying and try to figure out what he or she is really trying to say. You are acting like an expert on your partner’s feelings, but this deprives your partner of the ability to communicate freely and with candor - and for you to understand your partner’s stated point of view.

Pleasing: You are so concerned about being nice, keeping the peace, and placating that you’ll jump in to agree just to keep everything happy and smooth. It may be helpful to look into why you feel compelled to do this and what it might mean for your relationship. Again, the desire to please prevents you from hearing what your partner really needs to say.

Deflecting: Whenever a certain topic is brought up that you feel uncomfortable with, you redirect the conversation to something else. You’ll tell a joke or change the subject, even if the topic is of genuine concern to your partner.

A Listening Exercise for Couples

Reciprocal listening is a powerful tool for couples who need to improve their communication. Couples who try this may become aware of how limited their communication has been in the past. They also learn an effective technique, which can increase the respect, trust, and intimacy of their relationship. This exercise may seem structured and perhaps contrived at first, but stay with it. The rewards can be immense.

The couple decides on a minor disagreement that they need to talk about. Each partner takes turns being either the speaker or the listener. The speaker has five minutes to speak without interruption. As speaker, talk about the problem as you see it. Present your argument briefly and stick to the point. Be sure to use “I statements” to present your views and don’t place the blame on your partner (that is, just talk about how you feel about the conflict without putting your partner in a defensive position). After five minutes your partner (the listener) will verbally summarize what he or she has heard. This allows the speaker to let the listener know if anything has been left out or if it has been misinterpreted. Keep going until the speaker feels that the point has been completely heard.

As the listener, pay close attention to what is being said and try to attune yourself to your partner’s needs. When you summarize what your partner has said, make sure you don’t disagree, argue, or criticize. Just repeat what you have heard.

Now switch positions. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener, the speaker. Follow the same procedures until the new speaker feels satisfied that his or her position has been understood. It is important to avoid letting this exercise turn into an argument. Because this is such a powerful way of learning to listen and to communicate better, many people prefer to try it with a therapist present, at least for the first few attempts.

The impact on the lives of those who practice infidelity is enormous. It violates the integrity, trust, and commitment upon which marriage is based. When two people enter into a committed relationship, they make a promise to love and honor each other. This involves making a heart-felt promise to work through the problems that are sure to arise within the relationship. To break that promise means dishonoring the trust of the person who has agreed to live with you and build a life together. When an extramarital affair is discovered, a crisis ensues. Now the question is - can this relationship continue? In more than half the cases, the relationship does end - but, depending on how this crisis is dealt with by both partners, the relationship does have a chance to continue. In some cases, this relationship crisis serves as a watershed event that opens the door to self-examination and honest communication that may put the relationship on stronger ground.

Whether infidelity leads to the negative outcome of the dissolution of the relationship or, at the other extreme, a more positive outcome with a stronger commitment and better communication depends on many factors. One important variable is whether the partner who is unfaithful came from a family with infidelity. People with parents who were unfaithful are at higher risk for infidelity within their own relationships - although this is certainly not always the case, and many people from these families are determined never to repeat their parent’s mistake. Yet we learn many things in our families of origin, and one of those is to copy the behavior of our parents - and sometimes to act out our unresolved issues.

Another factor that may determine whether a relationship can survive infidelity is the nature of the affair. Some affairs lack any emotional commitment, while others involve a deeper level of intimacy and connection than is found within the primary relationship. While a marriage or relationship may survive the former, as long as the underlying issues are brought out into the open and worked through, the latter type is not as hopeful. The couple would have to put in a great deal of work to save this relationship. 

The serial affair, for example, involves many one-night stands or a series of affairs. This type of affair lacks emotional commitment and intimacy, and the motive is often sexual excitement. These affairs usually occur out of town or away from areas where friends might find out about them. A sex addiction might be present in serial affairs. Although a person who engages in serial affairs is not interested in establishing an emotional investment with his or her partners, there is also a lack of attention paid to the vow of fidelity within the primary relationship - and this is a serious issue that must be addressed if the relationship is to continue.

The more formidable threat to a primary relationship is the romantic long-term affair. In this case, there is an emotional commitment to an outside partner, and some of these affairs can last for several years. If the primary relationship is to have any chance of surviving, the affair should come to an end. If the affair were to continue, the straying partner would likely not have the emotional energy or motivation to repair the damage done to the main relationship. Some partners, however, allow the affair to go on and pretend not to know about it because they don’t want to end their primary relationship - but the price they pay is a high one.

Types of Affairs

There are many types of affairs, and couples should consider this information before making a decision to dissolve a marriage or other committed relationship.

Life Transitions

Relationships go through stages involving loss and then gain - and each of these transitions is accompanied by anxiety. The birth of a child, career demands, middle age, and retirement are typical life transitions that have an impact on each partner and on the relationship itself. When we enter into a committed relationship, we bring with us various idealized images of what our lives will be like and how we will relate with our partner. When these ideals are disrupted by a life transition, we experience anxiety - and sometimes one of the partners will handle the anxiety by finding a different partner, just so the ideal can be maintained. Rather than facing the anxiety, making the adjustment to the life transition, and giving up old ideals in order to make room for the new realities, a person may find a new love interest, all in a futile attempt to avoid making necessary changes.

Unrealistic Expectations

Our parents’ marriage serves as our role model for what we expect to find, or to avoid, in our own marriage. Our partners, similarly, bring their own set of expectations into the marriage - and often the two different expectations come into conflict. This conflict may not be apparent initially, but over time it becomes a major focus of the relationship. It is at this point that we may try to change the behavior of our partner so that it conforms to our own expectations. Trying to change our partner’s way of living, of course, is wrongheaded and usually only brings more conflict into the relationship. The better option is to examine our own expectations and to make adjustments in our own behavior. But this may be difficult - and some people opt to go outside of the relationship in order to find someone who meets their own expectations.

The Cry for Help   

Some people have no intention of leaving their relationship, but they find themselves blocked in dealing with an unbearable aspect of the relationship. They may feel that they have exhausted all other options in trying to correct the problem, and they finally play their strongest card, which is to have an affair, and then let their partner know about the affair - as if to say, “See, I’ve been trying to tell you all along how much I hurt. Now do you hear me?” Rather than place the relationship in jeopardy through the acting out of frustrations, the better option is to work with a professional therapist to learn how to deal with frustration in a more productive way.

Breakdown in Communication

During the course of a relationship there are often times when the two partners stop communicating with the depth and intensity that characterized their earlier years. This could be because one partner feels that he or she has outgrown the other in terms of social activities, career advancement, emotional growth, or intellectual pursuits. Or it could be because one of the partners is geographically removed, ill, or otherwise unavailable. Or there might be a sexual dysfunction, which could be due to a physical problem or lack of communication. Rather than working on ways to enhance communication or correct the problem, one of the partners may turn outside the relationship to find another partner.

The Exit Strategy

Some people have made a decision to leave their relationship and having an affair is their strategy for making the break. They have an affair in order to make their partner angry enough to initiate the breakup. Or some may see the affair as a way of getting into therapy so that the therapist can ease the transition into the dissolution of the relationship. And some may have an affair so that they have a source of support from their new partner as they go through the leave-taking.

Life After the Affair

Although many marriages are unable to survive infidelity, some do - and many of the surviving marriages emerge stronger after the crisis of infidelity.

The first course of action when you learn about your partner’s infidelity is to find a professional therapist who can be with you as you try to cope with the emotional turmoil that accompanies this crisis. You will need to make rational decisions in a tumultuous time, and, depending on whether your decision is to end the relationship or to salvage it, your therapist will help you to go through the stages of the decision-making process in a supportive and confidential way. Many of us have no experience in how to rebuild our lives after devastation occurs, and therapeutic support is an invaluable part of the process.

We need to examine why the affair occurred and then to make a decision about whether we feel we can remain in the relationship or not. We need to examine our partner’s motive for engaging in infidelity. We need to see how the affair is going to affect the relationship in the future, and whether we can live with that. We need to decide whether communication can be enhanced, or not, in the event that we decide to repair the problems. We need to examine both the positive and negative aspects of a divorce (in general, divorce is a profoundly painful experience for most people, including children).

Consider the following - If you are mature enough to love, you should be mature enough to live up to the demands of your commitment to your partner. Life is never perfect. “The most valuable, most enduring lesson we can learn … is about facing our past with gratitude and our future with confidence, even as we carry with us the memories of dreams that never came true. There are other, more attainable dreams waiting for us.” (Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, in Overcoming Life’s Disappointments, 2006) 

Dealing with Children in the Event of a Divorce

Children are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce. They tend to handle the divorce better, however, when both parents cooperate and act in their children’s best interest. Both parents should be present when the children are told, and the mood should be calm, rational, and supportive. Hostility between the parents should be avoided. They should not be told about the affair at this time. Keep in mind that children often feel responsible for their parent’s divorce. They may feel that their misbehavior was the cause of the divorce. They need to be assured repeatedly, both when they are told about the divorce and then throughout the divorce process, that the divorce is not their responsibility, and that they will always be loved by both parents.

Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris, in their book, Surviving Infidelity, provide guidelines for helping children through the process of a divorce -

1.         Children should be told of the decision jointly by both parents without hostility or anger.

2.         They should not be put in the middle of adult conflicts by telling them of the affair.

3.         Children need to know they are not responsible for the breakup of the marriage.

4.         Children should be told that it is the parents’ decision, and they cannot change it.

5.         Children need to know their parents still love them even though they no longer love each other.

6.         Children should be given concrete information about how their lives will change.

7.         Parents should listen to children’s concerns, and try to minimize disruption in their lives.

8.         Children should not be asked to take sides, carry messages, or become your confidants.

9.         Children should be given permission to love and enjoy the relationship with your former spouse and his or her family. Try to find positive things to say about them.  

Recommended Reading

Subotnik, Rona, and Gloria G. Harris. Surviving Infidelity (Second Edition), 1999, 224 pages,  ISBN: 9781580621373.

Psychologists have carried out substantial research over the past several decades trying to understand the secrets of why some couples are able to stay together and others are not. For instance, John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington, has studied over 2,000 couples, and he has had remarkable success in predicting which couples will make it and which will not. Contrary to popular wisdom, one of his findings is that increased sex does not necessarily improve a relationship. He also found that financial problems do not always imply trouble for a couple.

One of Gottman’s major findings is that couples who fight are not necessarily on the road to a breakup. In fact, frequency and intensity of fights do not correlate with marriage (dis)satisfaction.  Gottman makes the point that arguments may be constructive in building a long-term relationship because they help us to clarify our needs and increase mutual respect between partners. But whether the arguments will lead to a breakup or not depends on how the couple resolves conflicts. Couples counseling or marital counseling is not necessary to learn these but it is helpful in avoiding common pitfalls while developing and practicing new skills.

Ratios Predicting Successful Marriages/Relationships - 5:1 during conflict, 20:1 otherwise

One finding to emerge from the research is that couples are likely to succeed if they have a healthy balance between positive and negative interactions. In fact, strong relationships have a five to one ratio - five parts positive interaction to one part negative while discussing a conflict. Couples who break up, on the other hand, tend to have more negative than positive interactions.  For successful, contented couples, the ratio of positive to negative interactions when not in a conflict discussion averages 20:1. 

Our ability to draw on the good will and positive experiences during a conflict maintains respect, trust, and connection during conflict, seeing us through to a resolution or at least  to an agreement to carry us through until the issue comes up again.

Positive Behaviors in a Relationship

What are these positive interactions? Much of it is common sense. They are found in

• Showing interest in what your partner is saying,
• Expressing affection to your partner both verbally (”I love you”) and nonverbally (holding hands, doing kind little things),
• Showing you care - perhaps by making a phone call during the day or bringing home flowers,
• Showing appreciation by remembering the good times in your relationship or telling your partner how proud you are of him or her,
• Indicating your concern - instead of acting defensive, show that you are concerned about your partner’s troubling experiences or apologize if you say something hurtful without thinking,
• Conveying empathy in your facial expression and verbal feedback - show that you truly care about what your partner is going through,
• Displaying acceptance of your partner’s thoughts and feelings - this shows your respect for your partner,
• Joking around, which includes playful teasing, laughing together, and maybe acting silly together, and
• Sharing your joy when good things happen.

When I studied with the Gottman Institute, they suggested each couple imagine there is an emotional bank account. We draw on the account of good-will and connection which buffers stresses from outside the relationship and carries us through the difficult situations we encounter as a couple. The suggestion is that each person in the relationship makes daily deposits into this account. I like to emphasize that frequent, smaller deposits are key to maintaining the system. Imagine the depository has a small slot for frequent, smaller deposits. After all, going all out on Valentine’s Day doesn’t carry you very far if the smaller connections are not happening.

If you are concerned about the level of negativity or distance in your relationship, contact  us now with your questions or to schedule a free phone consultation.   574-309-8370  contact@family-psychology.com

Psychologists have known for decades that rewarding behavior can increase the frequency of the behavior in a very predictable manner. But there are downsides to rewards. In rats as well as humans, a behavior modified by rewards tends to decrease when the evaluator is not present. Worse yet, rewards deaden children’s innate motivation, an effect we find in math, reading, the arts, and virtually every behavior we’ve studied in a natural setting. It reduces creativity and seems to jar the internal compass, as highly praised children start to train their attention to those with the power, status, and resources to reward and praise, giving away their own judgment and reducing self-monitoring.

Rewards and praise have taken root in our society as useful tools because they are good at modifying narrow, well-defined behaviors. But the fact remains they are not very helpful in producing useful, creative, self-motivated citizens. What to do instead? Encourage, don’t praise. See this Febrauary 2007 article in New York magazine for a reporters take on the topic and then consider the methods below for encouraging your child.

Use phrases to demonstrate ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:  Help your child learn to evaluate her own progress, and make her own decisions.  Do not focus on having your child please you.  Be specific in your comments.

Examples of encouraging statements and ways not to say, “Good job.”:

• “Way to go!” or “Thumbs up!”
• “It looks like you enjoyed that.”
• “I’m glad you’re pleased with your work.”
• “Those are neat colors that you chose for your picture.”
• “Your whole team seemed to have a blast at that game.”

Common times to use these phrases:  almost anytime, in response to artwork, athletics, homework, school projects, or any time you used to say “good job”.

Use phrases that show CONFIDENCE:  Help your child develop willingness to try things, be responsible for her own behavior.  Teach him to have the courage to be imperfect.

• “You can do it!” or “You’ll make it!”
• “You can do hard things.”
• “Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
• “I’m sure you’ll work it out.”
• “I trust your judgement.”
• “I think this agreement on a schedule for quiet/study-time will help us all.”

Common times used:  joining new activity or group, facing peer or sibling conflicts, when going off and trying a new agreement set with parents or a new job responsibility.

Use phrases of APPRECIATION:  Help your child feel that his contribution counts, and her talents and efforts can be used for the good of all, not just personal gain.  Help your child learn to feel glad for successes of others as well as for his own successes.

• “Thanks, you helped a lot.”
• “I really appreciated your cooperation.”
• “I really enjoyed today. Thanks.”
• “I could really use your help on _______________.”
• “I had fun with you at the grocery store today.”

Common times used:  during family meetings, after chores, after a family outing to the grocery store, after a mass at church, or after any outing that used to involve public tantrums.

Use phrases that recognize EFFORT:  Help your child focus on what they can do.  Help her recognize improvements in his work and develop persistence on difficult tasks.

• “You really worked hard on that.”
• “Look at the progress you’ve made.”
• “You spent a lot of time thinking that through.”
• “You’re really improving in these ways: _____________________.”

Common times used:  in response to homework, report cards, when dealing with children who have attention deficits.

How consequences are different from punishment:

• Consequences are clearly related to the misbehavior and are applied in a respecful manner.
• Consequences express a logical social order that de-emphasizes power and hierarchy.
• Consequences do not express moral judgment.
• Whenever possible, they are discussed and agreed upon before misbehavior occurs.
• Consequences are presented by a firm and kind parent.
• Consequences allow the child to “run into” life instead of “running into” parents’ power.

How to arrange for consequences:

1. Allow natural consequences to occur if possible.
2. Then consider logical consequences that are related to the misbehavior.
   • Ask, “How can I arrange for my child to experience the social consequences of his behavior without forcing, fighting, coercing, or punishing?”
   • If possible, establish an agreement prior to the misbehavior. Ask yourself, “How can we reach an agreement that emphasizes cooperation?”
   • Make sure the consequences are age appropriate.
   • Only agree to consequences you are are willing and able to uphold.
   • Immediate consequences are most effective.
   • Consequence should be relatively short in duration.
3. After the misbehavior, follow through and allow the consequence to happen. When following through with a consequence, take this approach:
   • Be firm and kind.
   • Talk less. Act more.
   • Be a broken record and refuse to fight.
4. Tell children they can try again later.
   • The time the child must wait before trying again should often be relatively short.
   • If misbehavior continues, you may have to change the consequence, rework the agreement, or put the problem in the child’s lap.

Chronic Misbehaviors: Make sure you are not fighting or showing anger. Discuss a chronic misbehavior at a calm moment, well before the next possible encounter. Always include your child in problem solving and establishing agreements and consequences. Take time for training. Be prepared to sacrifice the day’s or week’s agenda as an investment toward future cooperation (miss part of church, forgo grocery shopping, etc.)

© 2007 Based on work of Rudolf Dreikurs

Examples of Specific Consequences:

Misbehavior                            Possible Consequence

Notes regarding child’s developmental stage: It is important to allow for logical consequences that are related to the misbehavior and are appropriate given the child’s age. The following examples are targeted for use with elementary school children. Toddlers are generally too young to remember a scheduled agreement, and pre-schoolers may need reminding. Young children do need a home environment that is “childproofed” with sensible safety precautions.

Set up a clear, consistent, time-limited bedtime routine.

• Set the stage for nighttime.  Talk about why rest is important for growing bodies/and everyone.  We relax our whole body:  arms, fingers, legs, feet, toes, mouth, etc.  Explain that this is time to relax/rest to get ready for a busy tomorrow.
• Tone of voice/Body language. Voice: calm, soft and relaxed.  Talk to children softly and gently as you give directions/invite them to get pajamas, read a book, etc.
• Room Environment sets the stage also.  Shades down!  You might want to arrange for some soft rest time music, or have lights low when you are ready to get pajamas on.
• Sequence of Tasks - Child should be able to predict the routine.  A typical routine might be to…
  1. get pajamas on
  2. brush teeth
  3. read 1 book of child’s choice
  4. say a loving goodnight

Addressing Opposition or Stalling Tactics

If child refuses pajamas or brushing teeth, give child a choice:  “Would you like _______ or would you rather go straight to bed tonight?” (Without saying it explicitly, this statement means that there will be no book read tonight.)

If child calls for parents or asks for water, night light, book, etc: “It’s time for bed.  I’m not going to talk with you anymore now because it is important that I let you get your sleep.”

If child turns light on and/or plays in bedroom after bedtime: Ignore.  Wake child at regular morning waking time.

If child keeps coming out of room, just briefly state, “It’s time for bed” and take their hand and kindly lead them back into bed.  You may have to do this several times at first.  It also helps if the rest of the family goes to bed and lights are all out.

Tolerate the child’s emotions – If your child is accustomed to you laying down with them or having an hour wind-down before bed, they will have some discomfort and even anger at times. It is strongly recommended that during the bedtime routine, you let your child handle their own emotions. They will not be harmed by their emotions and the attachment is not at risk if you are consistent and have talked about the routine ahead of time.

Fears and Bad Dreams

• Offer brief reassurance that child and family are safe.
• Remind child that a bad/scary thought is just a thought and it can be replaced with a specific happy thought of child’s choice (perhaps a thought about family fun or a memory of a holliday).
• Remind child to use a soothing object (best if they have identified a special soft, soothing toy or book in a previous discussion).
• Be calm and unimpressed by fears.
• State, “It’s time for bed.  Let’s talk in the morning.”
• Show confidence in your child’s ability to cope.  “You are getting bigger now.  You can do this.”
• NEXT DAY:  Discuss what bothers the child about bedtime and, together, identify some tools for self- soothing to be used at bedtime and/or during the night.  Our job as parents is to help children learn about tools that can help at times of stress but it is important that the child develop the ability to independently practice routines for relaxation when dealing with stress (since dealing with stress will forever be a part of life).  At some point, we have to let their fears be their fears and we have trust they will cope independently.

If the problem has become chronic:

• Prepare everyone in advance for trying something new.
• Check to see if child possibly might have a physical illness which might make them uncomfortable.
• If child appears healthy,
• Discuss the problem of bedtime with child at a calm time during the day.
• Identify soothing object of child’s choice.
• Ask child what could we change about the environment of the bedroom that might make it more relaxing (maybe a nightlight, special place for a special stuffed animal, door open, change of wall color).  This helps give child some sense of control and time to prepare self for the change of independently relying on things in the environment.
• Show confidence in your child’s ability to cope.  “You are getting bigger now.  You can do this just like you recently learned to do that other fun thing that you couldn’t do when you used to be little.”
• On the chosen day for starting a more independent bedtime:
• Make sure family schedule for that week seems pretty “normal” overall.
• Best to start on a Friday night in case there is crying that keeps family members awake.
• Follow bedtime routine listed at top with steps 1, 2, 3 and 4.
• If child comes back out of bedroom or cries loudly enough to disturb the whole family, briefly state “It’s time for bed.  I won’t talk with you anymore now because it is important that I let you get your sleep.”
• If child keeps coming out of room, just briefly state, “It’s time for bed” and take their hand and kindly lead them back into bed.  You may have to do this several times at first.  It also helps if the rest of the family goes to bed and lights are all out so that there is nothing of interest going on.
• If child has toileting issues or vomiting issues related to getting really upset, allow child to do as much as possible on their own and give child responsibility for cleaning-up to the best of their ability.  No need for discussion or lectures.  If possible, don’t show your anger.

Optional weaning method:

In my experience, the method above has always been successful within 3 days.  If parents feel uncomfortable with the above methods and they feel a need for a more gradual process, a parent can gradually increase the distance between them and the child at bedtime.  For example, if a parent was lying in the same bed as child, the next step would be for child to be in child’s own bed with parent sitting in a chair beside the bed or just outside child’s bedroom door.  The next day, a parent could tell child that they will be in their own bedroom just down the hall.  After a few more days, a parent could be downstairs while child is in upstairs bedroom.

If child has been crawling into parents’ bed, a parent may start to say “No” to sharing their bed but may allow child to sleep on floor next to parents’ bed for a few weeks before suggesting that child is ready to stay in their own room.  CAUTION:  this “weaning method” takes much longer.

Consider your parenting style.  These strategies are aimed at maximizing a child’s independence, responsibility and cooperation.  If these strategies are unacceptable to you, you may prefer a parenting style that addresses different priorities such as using a “no-cry” sleep training approach, including use of a “family bed,” considering attachment parenting, etc.  A professional counselor or parent coach is sometimes used to identify accommodations to these strategies that reflect your personal parenting style.

Rcommended readings:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth

Breaking The Good Mom Myth by Alyson Schafer

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer

It’s difficult to suggest putting the topic off until later, because respect is important, very important.  But we parents too often fall into demanding respect and forcing children to comply.  With threats, punishment, shaming, bribes, and rewards, we use our power in various forms to get kids to respect authority and the powers that be. Our success has been our downfall. We’ve unwittingly taught kids to respect the power and control of authority, losing sight of the more important goal of respecting relationships and respecting each other as individuals.

We’ve taught kids to value power and control so much that they want it for themselves.  So kids set out to win power and control, contributing to power-struggles with their parents.  This explains a phenomenon I observe in my office, that the more a parent identifies with power and control, the more likely they are locked in protracted conflict with one or more of their children.

As a counselor, respect for power and authority typically is not at the top of my list. We need to demonstrate respect for each other and for relationships, not for power and control.  We need to win children’s respect, not try to demand or force it.  Coercing respect might bring compliance but it doesn’t build true respect for each other.  Respect is won by giving it, and earned via acknowledgment of innate worth and equality. Children are our equals, not in skill or knowledge, but in human dignity.  We should treat them as such.

Gaining children’s respect begins with treating them respectfully and focusing on the relationship.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Strive for cooperation, not compliance.  Cooperation connotes mutual consideration and the freedom to contribute one’s opinion and influence. Compliance can be mindless submission and always requires less investment from the child.
2. In general, don’t do for a child what the child can do for him/herself. Undue service is disrespectful.
3. Be consistent in your expectations.  Being lax one day and firm the next shows disrespect for the relationship in as much as you put your mood and energy level before the parent/child relationship.
4. Separate the deed from the doer, stay problem focused, and work toward agreements via discussion.
5. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.  Follow through.  Respect kids enough to know they understand the issue.  They don’t need repeated reminders, repeated explanations, or threats.
6. State the problem as a social problem.  Note how the problem detracts from intimacy and enjoyment of each other, and then ask for help in solving the difficulty.  “When you two fight in the car, I don’t enjoy being with you and I don’t feel like taking you with me next time.  What should we do about this?”
7. Don’t talk down to children. Get rid of the cartoon voice and show genuine emotion.