If your marriage has a strong friendship component, you enjoy and admire your partner. Spending time together is pleasurable and can be fun. You cooperate to negotiate daily living tasks fairly and with respect.

But friendship without emotional intimacy leads to living like roommates or – when children are involved – a joint venture in meeting responsibilities of parenting. These are worthwhile tasks but tasks that alone do not provide for a happy marriage. Emotional intimacy involves a daily and weekly connection at a deeper level, knowing the ebbs and flows of your partner’s emotional life over time. This knowledge and connection needs to be refreshed frequently to avoid it becoming stale and intellectual. And 15-20% of emotional intimacy depends on sexual intimacy.

Many people are surprised to learn marital conflict in general does not predict marital dissatisfaction or divorce but how you do conflict does. Emotional withdrawal, criticism/attack, defensiveness, and contempt or put downs have been dubbed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they are so detrimental to marital health and happiness, like throwing acid on the relationship.

Lastly, shared dreams are the glue that holds it all together and gives the entire marriage direction over decades. It is the part that inspires us to look at the next horizon as chapters of the marriage pass. A portion of your individual and marital dreams need to intersect with your partners for the marriage to have direction and passion to last a lifetime.

Perhaps you want to learn more about your relationship or strengthen areas of weakness. Or perhaps you’re at a particularly low point and worried about the overall health of the marriage. Maybe your personal happiness is limited by high conflict or emotional distance in the marriage. All of these can be addressed by marriage counseling. If you have questions please call me or write to me. I’m Dr. John Petersen, Clinical Psychologist and South Bend Marriage Counselor. Relationship issues make up over half of my clinical pracice. My phone number is 574-280-8199, and my email is john@family-psychology.com.

The morning stress endures partly because of two myths we live by.

Myth #1 – My children don’t like school, and I have to get them to like it.

Usually one child will complain that they don’t want to go to school. They profess to hate it or just whine that they don’t want to go. We parents take up the challenge to remind and convince our little one that school is fun and the teachers are nice. Almost by instinct parents point to recess or play-time, lunch, or a fun activity planned after school. Sometimes we remind our children of their unguarded admission from the previous week that their teacher is nice and school is fun.

If they like school, why do they whine and cry and insist it is awful? Because in a pre-conscious, behaviorally-conditioned way, they have learned that by displaying discontent, adults will get busy making their lives better. More than the reminder of all the good things they can count on, we often “sweeten the pot” with something special for breakfast, a special activity after school, or a promised favor.

Break this myth’s hold on your family by refusing to convince them to like school. Acknowledge their feelings and sentiments. Just don’t try to make it better. Reflective listening is a powerful way out. “You don’t feel like going to school today. You are not happy with your teacher at school. You would rather stay home.” These words of acknowledgement affirm your child’s opinion and feelings without taking on the responsibility to change them.

Having side-stepped their invitation to get busy making their day better, simply move forward with the morning. Lead from the front and try not to coral from behind. Left face to face with the day and their feelings, children draw on their own resources to get out of bed and move forward with the day. You can always talk about their discontent another time but refrain from the conversation in the morning. Remember that it is very common for preschoolers to complain about school in the morning even though they clearly enjoy the time with friends and staff after being dropped off. You should see a marked improvement in less than one week.

Myth #2 – My child sleeps too deeply to wake on the first try.

If this myth is operative in your family, your child will require three or four or maybe seven attempts to rouse them. They can sleep through alarm clocks too, even the loudest one in the house.

In truth, any of us can learn to sleep through familiar noise. It took me only three days to sleep through Chicago’s Brown Line train rattling past my bedroom window when I lived 20 feet from the tracks in graduate school. Similarly, our children learn to sleep through our calls and back rubs and threatening each morning, evidently waiting for signs that we mean business before getting up.

On the other hand, we can all learn to wake up to reliable cues, even our internal clocks. I went a full academic year in college, for example, never hearing my morning alarm because I woke up exactly two minutes before the piercing beeping was set to sound each morning. And I’ve learned that our children can wake to alarms and parents’ common efforts to rouse them if we refuse to nag and repeat ourselves. But we don’t allow common efforts to be the reliable cues for waking. Our kids typically get up when we hit a certain pained and threatening tone or a level of frustration. These are the real cues, the predictable signs that we are ready to start the day.

When helping a family in my office with morning problems, I routinely ask the deep sleeper how many times they can get their parents to call them in the morning before they get up. Almost all answer the question. None find it to be an absurd question. At some level, they know there is a payoff for getting Mom or Dad to work hard at this. They either get parents busy with them and therefore position their parents to give undue service for the rest of the morning, or they score a victory in demonstrating their parents are relatively powerless and cannot call the shots every step of the way.

Breaking free of Myth #2 is more difficult than Myth #1 but can be done in a single morning. Sit down with your child at a calm time and explain you are tired of nagging and fighting with them in the morning. Then explain the new plan to them.

The first step is to call to your child only once at the normal waking time and move forward with your morning. If you can refrain from the urge to repeatedly call to them or jostle and cajole them out of bed, they will learn to wake to your voice or an alarm clock. Or they might learn to wake to the noise of breakfast preparation. Often, hearing their sibling amble down the hall or stairs to breakfast is a large motivation to get with the program. They don’t want siblings to enjoy Mom’s undivided attention. Whatever the cue, it must not be drowned out by nagging.

To follow through on step one, you have to be ready to leave the house with your child in some state of unreadiness. For preschoolers, have a bag of clothes at the door the night before. If your child is late the first morning of the new plan, take your child to the car and grab the bag on your way out. Once at school, they can choose to get dressed in the car or in the school. If this is done without nagging, threatening and anger, you will see a vast improvement the next morning. I enjoy calling it The One-Day Cure. But be honest with yourself about nagging and anger. Are you prepared to risk sending them to school one day without breakfast? Are you prepared to feel unsettled about what the preschool staff might be thinking? Are you prepared to act as if you are not challenged by your child’s objections and possible tantrum in the car? For one morning?

If not, please do not attempt this. It will backfire and your child will perceive it as a scheme to over-power them. If you can have confidence in your child, however, and can stand up to these two unconscious myths, you can reclaim a peaceful morning. Enjoy conversation with your children, the newspaper, and, ahhh… a cup of coffee in peace.

As a family psychologist specializing in couples and parenting issues, I commonly recommend parents put the marriage first. Bolster the marriage to endure stress. Take care of the foundation of the family, the relationship that started it all. And I caution that we have set a new high-water mark in ambitious parenting and sensitivity to children’s development. While bringing important improvements in the treatment of children, this focus has done nothing for the marital union which continues to suffer when children come along. Children are a hazard to marital satisfaction, which plummets in the months after children arrive on the scene, not that we want to send any of the them back to the stork.

Average parents have plenty of room to make lifestyle changes to ease the family schedule, reduce the pressure, and introduce practices that strengthen marriage without putting the children at risk. If you’re parenting children with serious illness, however, you have challenges beyond that of the average parent and you probably have little to no room to back off your focus on your child’s well-being. But there are many ways that are not time-intensive to bolster the foundation of your family and ensure that marriage is a renewable resource of support.

Decompression Conversations –

Couples who take time to acknowledge their stress and decompress by voicing it to their partner have an edge on happiness. This is often done at the end of a work-day. The key is to keep it short and circumscribed from other aspects of your day. This practice “gets it out” and yet prevents it from spilling over and coloring other aspects of your daily life. Sharing the stress and having someone accept it is a bonding experience as well as a good coping technique.

Emotional Connection -

One of the best predictors of marital satisfaction and longevity is the emotional connection between partners. It is also one of the best buffers from stress. “But who has the time?” you may ask. Take just ten minutes a night to verbally connect, a time when you intentionally focus on your spouse and the relationship. In just ten minutes exchange what you specifically and genuinely appreciate about each other. Share any weighty thoughts and desires that have been on your mind but you haven’t taken the time to share during the day. This ritual alone, done every day for one week and then a few times a week thereafter, primes the feelings of fondness, tenderness, and partnership even in stressful circumstances.

Furthermore, explore what you two are already doing that sparks connection. Often doing more of what already works doesn’t take any additional time or energy because of savings from reduced negativity and tension. A touch as you pass each other in the kitchen, a small gift or favor, a word of gratitude are some examples. Learn your partner’s language of connection and speak it more often.

Sex –

Make sex happen. The sexual relationship accounts for 15% of emotional connection for the average couple. Nurturing your sexuality is an excellent safe-guard from a potentially narrowing self-image as care-taker and parent. Stay multi-dimensional, have some cheap fun, appreciate your healthy body (and especially your spouse’s), cultivate the passion and erotic energy that can move you away from burdensome responsibility and toward connection with your partner.

Friendship -

My colleague Jon Carlson likes to make the distinction between a trip and a vacation. Going away with children is a trip. Going away without children is a vacation. Both are good, but there is a difference. Respite care for children with illness is precious but also is a delicate matter of judging capable caregivers and your child’s needs. If friends and relatives are willing to learn how to use medical devices and understand your child’s needs, Alleluia! Take the opportunity and take your spouse with you! If a weekend is unreasonable, take an evening or an hour. Shorter, more frequent getaways will have a bigger impact than the big and infrequent vacation, the effects of which tend to wear off in a couple of months.

Obviously, your stress is unique in kind and not just quantity. Mortality issues are often at the forefront of parents’ minds. Awareness of the fragility and limitations of life can cut both ways according to Dr. Suzanne Courtney, South Bend Pediatric Psychologist who specializes in children with serious or complicated medical illnesses. On the one hand, it can be clarifying and centering, helping parents live with awareness of their values, priorities, and with gratitude for each precious day. On the other hand, it can add to pressure and lead to despair. Returning to the marriage and nurturing it as the main source of support, coping, and meaning may make the difference and reduce the chances that divorce will compound your stress and grief.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Not only are men often more easily aroused than women, they often want sex in order to connect whereas women more often want to connect in order to have sex. This can easily set up the familiar dynamic of men asking for it and women happily obliging, acquiescing, or rejecting. Too often this is the primary feedback we get: yes, OK, or no. Go for more by opening up a conversation with genuine and gentle curiosity. That’s right. Stop asking for it and ask about it. As a family psychologist and marriage counselor I regularly see couples mutually disappointed with their sex lives resurrect passion and desire with a series of calm, honest conversations about sex, a subject too often broached only in conflict. Think about it. How often do you and your wife talk frankly about sex when it is not prompted by some disappointment or disagreement? Conversation about sex outside of conflict and humor is generally lacking in marriages.

Sex Talk

The timing of your pro-active sex talks is important. You must not broach the subject at a time that might suggest you are initiating a sexual encounter. Over a private meal and during a walk are fine opportunities. Talking right after sex can be ideal, especially if she has indicated that it was particularly good for her. The second step is to ask an exploratory question, one that invites your wife to explore meaning, value, and preferences. Here are some sample questions:

“What role do you think sex plays in our marriage?”

“Can you recall the best sex we’ve ever had? I wonder what was so good about it.”

“What does sex mean to you? What meaning do you think I ascribe to sex?

“If our sex-life started to spontaneously change in a good direction, what would be the initial signs of improvement?”

How to Ask for Sex

In our culture, we men are a bit handicapped when it comes to verbally expressing thoughts, meaning, and emotions related to interpersonal connection, but that is exactly what is called for here. In a new romantic relationship attraction is facilitated by a brain bath of hormones which predictably fades in 6 to 12 months. After that, the secret to keeping sex passionate and fresh is in the meaning, connection, and cooperative creativity of love-making. Married men must make these elements a priority.

Badgering and begging are a signs you are well off course. Speak her language and become conversant in her sexual meaning system but also be able to express your desire, and especially gratitude, for what you get from sex. Physical release and climax aren’t enough. Contextualizing sex as a physical need can come across as coercive. You must get more personal or, better, interpersonal. Does sex mean you are accepted, desirable, appreciated, intimate, masculine, free, powerful, vulnerable? Share this with her so she knows she is providing you something of richer meaning, not just giving you her body. Sure women want to be sexy as much as men, but your wife wants to know you are pursuing her for more than erotic arousal. So consider your own emotional/sexual development and boost your EQ in these matters. Even ask her to help you explore these areas of self-understanding.

When you have connected with your partner in this manner, initiating sex is initiating love-making that will take you to an exhilarating experience beyond your common emotional, physical, and psychological ways of being. The very “going beyond” with another is where enduring passion and eroticism arises.

Position Yourself for Something New

Emotional and psychological connection often leads to the freedom to experiment. Resentment and unconscious fear of rejection, awkwardness, judgement, and underperformance fades while creativity surges. By creativity, I’m referring to spontaneity and emotional and physical absorption, not sexual gymnastics. At the very least, connection opens space for you to share, “You know what I’ve always wanted to try?”

If diversity is still lacking, get some ideas from outside sources. I recommend Salsa Cards (mild, medium, and spicy) from the Gottman Institute (www.Gottman.com) for introducing new ideas into your love-making, but a book from the sex/romance bookshelf at your local bookstore may do just as well. The general rules of thumb are that either person has guilt-free veto power, and that the more adventuresome partner is better off taking the more modest partner’s pace of change. Don’t be surprised if her initial focus is on foreplay and making the most of the afterglow of sex (a.k.a. after-play). If you are the less adventurous one, focus on what would give you the security and desire to sample some adventure. Hint: in my professional work, I’ve noticed the low-libido man is often in search of appreciation and less criticism.

Just Do It

If the emotional and psychological approach of this article strikes you as airy or esoteric, I urge you to simply start a conversation with your wife at a neutral time. You don’t have to analyze things to death. Just take one of the sample questions above and put it out there. Start a dialogue. Just do it and see what develops.

Psychologists have carried out substantial research over the past several decades trying to understand the secrets of why some couples are able to stay together and others are not. For instance, John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington, has studied over 2,000 couples, and he has had remarkable success in predicting which couples will make it and which will not. Contrary to popular wisdom, one of his findings is that increased sex does not necessarily improve a relationship. He also found that financial problems do not always imply trouble for a couple.

One of Gottman’s major findings is that couples who fight are not necessarily on the road to a breakup. In fact, frequency and intensity of fights do not correlate with marriage (dis)satisfaction. Gottman makes the point that arguments may be constructive in building a long-term relationship because they help us to clarify our needs and increase mutual respect between partners. But whether the arguments will lead to a breakup or not depends on how the couple resolves conflicts. Couples counseling or marital counseling is not necessary to learn these but it is helpful in avoiding common pitfalls while developing and practicing new skills.

Ratios Predicting Successful Marriages/Relationships – 5:1 during conflict, 20:1 otherwise

One finding to emerge from the research is that couples are likely to succeed if they have a healthy balance between positive and negative interactions. In fact, strong relationships have a five to one ratio – five parts positive interaction to one part negative while discussing a conflict. Couples who break up, on the other hand, tend to have more negative than positive interactions. For successful, contented couples, the ratio of positive to negative interactions when not in a conflict discussion averages 20:1.

Our ability to draw on the good will and positive experiences during a conflict maintains respect, trust, and connection during conflict, seeing us through to a resolution or at least to an agreement to carry us through until the issue comes up again.

Positive Behaviors in a Relationship

What are these positive interactions? Much of it is common sense. They are found in

• Showing interest in what your partner is saying,
• Expressing affection to your partner both verbally (“I love you”) and non-verbally (holding hands, doing kind little things),
• Showing you care – perhaps by making a phone call during the day or bringing home flowers
• Showing appreciation by remembering the good times in your relationship or telling your partner how proud you are of him or her
• Indicating your concern – instead of acting defensive, show that you are concerned about your partner’s troubling experiences or apologize if you say something hurtful without thinking,
• Conveying empathy in your facial expression and verbal feedback – show that you truly care about what your partner is going through,
• Displaying acceptance of your partner’s thoughts and feelings – this shows your respect for your partner
• Joking around, which includes playful teasing, laughing together, and maybe acting silly together, and
• Sharing your joy when good things happen.

When I studied with the Gottman Institute, they suggested each couple imagine there is an emotional bank account. We draw on the account of good-will and connection which buffers stresses from outside the relationship and carries us through the difficult situations we encounter as a couple. The suggestion is that each person in the relationship makes daily deposits into this account. I like to emphasize that frequent, smaller deposits are key to maintaining the system. Imagine the depository has a small slot for frequent, smaller deposits. After all, going all out on Valentine’s Day doesn’t carry you very far if the smaller connections are not happening.

If you are concerned about the level of negativity or distance in your relationship, contact us now with your questions or to schedule a free phone consultation. 574-309-8370 contact@family-psychology.com.

The course of a relationship follows a predictable path. The early weeks, months, or even years of a relationship, in fact, are a time of togetherness – when partners search for and experience the similarities that bring them together. It is common for a couple during this first phase to experience a level of emotional sharing so intense that they want to carry their relationship to a more committed level. The next stage, however, is when boundaries are established, when we focus on our differences and in maintaining our own individuality. Couples who can negotiate their way through both of these stages are moving toward a successful long-term commitment. Both of the initial stages typify a good relationship – the coming together phase, followed by the firming up of our own identities within the relationship. A solid relationship is one in which feelings can be readily expressed and shared while each of the partners is able to experience a sense of their own identities.

All too often, however, there is a discrepancy between the two partners in terms of how much of their emotional life they make available to the other. When one partner is able to share emotionally and the other is not, it is usually the emotionally available one who feels more pain. Take the classic example of a couple who have an intense courtship. One partner lavishes the other with flowers, expensive dinners out, and intimate phone calls. Sweetness fills the air and it feels like a dream come true. You have finally met “the one” you had always hoped to meet. But then, almost as quickly as it began, your partner fails to reciprocate when it comes to sharing emotional feelings. Dating comes to a stop, voicemail messages are not answered, and it’s over. There is no fight. There is no discussion about why things are coming to an end.

After you accept that it’s over, you struggle to make sense of the relationship and notice that the focus was always on you, and that’s why it felt so good. In fact, your partner knew a great deal about you, but you knew virtually nothing about him or her. You confused flattery and attention with emotional involvement. You may finally realize that your partner was unable to connect with you or anyone on an emotional level. He or she was an expert at luring people in, but had no ability to sustain an emotionally available relationship over time. It is a painful ride, but you can learn a valuable lesson from it – that relationships entail reciprocal self-disclosure and sharing. The next time, you’ll have the wisdom to know this before being drawn in.

There are many other examples of partners who are emotionally unavailable. Consider a few of them –

• Some people seem to live to do things, the more exciting the better. They are adventure seekers. There’s always one more trip to take, one more skydive, one more mountain to climb. These people get their attention from their conquests, and not by making themselves vulnerable within an emotional attachment.
• Beautiful people, unfortunately, sometimes grew up with the message that their looks are everything. They may have difficulty engaging in the mutuality of a sharing relationship because they have learned to search for gratification elsewhere. Time may change this, however.
• Addicts are attracted to a number of different objects (alcohol, drugs, work, food, television, shopping, gambling, sex…), and may not be able to sustain an emotional relationship – not with you, anyway.
• Some partners are more influenced by their overinvolved parent than they are with you. You may be seen as an appendage to the primary relationship – which is with the parent.
• To the intellectualizer, emotions are turbulent and unpredictable. Everything has to analyzed, quantified and categorized. Control is everything. Sharing feelings within a relationship is seen as dangerous folly.
• A relationship with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is one-sided, in favor of the narcissist. They have a sense of grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy – so that they are more interested in self-love than love based on mutual sharing.
• The keeper of secrets probably has some strong boundaries – or walls – in place, and is unable to engage in an emotionally available relationship. If your partner has a private life from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the success of a sharing commitment.

Think about what happens when you hear someone speak. You pay attention to the person’s appearance, to activity in the background, to what you did earlier in the day, to a conversation you had with someone else, or to your counterargument, and how you will present it. Your mind flits from topic to topic as you take in only fragments of what the other person says. It seems a wonder that people understand each other as well as they do. The speaker conveys only a portion of the real meaning of an intended idea – and the listener may pick up on only a fraction of the information transmitted. We think we know what the speaker was trying to say, but often we are absolutely wrong. (Have you ever played the “rumor game” in a large circle? The first person whispers a message to the next in line, and this message goes from person to person until it gets to the end of the circle. Something like “two kittens were playing with a ball of string” easily mutates into “the lion sleeps tonight” as the message is relayed around the circle.)

Listening is itself a form of communication. Listening to another person sends the message that you care and that you are truly interested in the other person’s ideas. Without the ability to listen effectively, true intimacy and mutual respect between partners, two of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, are not even possible. When you fail to listen to your partner, you may impart the message that he or she doesn’t count, that you are the one with all the knowledge, and that you lack respect for your partner. These are hardly the qualities of a thriving and mutually beneficial relationship. Effective listening means that you want to learn from, enjoy, care about, trust, understand, and nurture your partner. A good listener sends the message that he or she is interested in the world and to new ideas and life experiences. To listen well is one way to show that you can love well.

Learn to Listen Effectively

The first step in mastering good listening skills is to become aware of why listening is important in your life and your relationships. And the next step is simply to start doing it. Practice listening whenever you can.

Here are a few rules to start the process:

• Never interrupt when the other person is speaking. Allow the speaker to complete his or her thought.
• Eliminate distractions – put your book down or turn off the television.
• Maintain eye contact while the other person is speaking.
• Pull your chair closer and lean toward the speaker.
• Keep your posture open – directly face your partner and leave your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Give verbal and nonverbal responses to what the speaker is saying – “yes, I see,” nod your head, smile, or frown when it’s appropriate.

Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive listening. In this mode we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has its limitations. Even though we are attentive, we still make assumptions about the message and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is that we want to hear. At this level we don’t check to see if what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.

The second, and more powerful, level is active listening (or reflective listening). This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process that involves giving feedback. Active listening requires that the listener paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback.

• Paraphrasing is the most important element of active listening. When your partner says something of interest, you should restate in your own words what you heard your partner say. You can provide a lead-in, such as “What I’m hearing you say is that…” or “So if I’m correct, you are telling me that….” Paraphrasing allows us to correct misconceptions as they occur, gives us the chance to resist obstacles to good listening, keeps both you and your partner from becoming defensive or feeling misunderstood, and helps us to remember what was said.
• Clarifying provides more depth to the listening process than merely paraphrasing. Your purpose in clarifying is to ask questions about what the speaker is saying in a helpful and empathic way. “So how did you feel when I cut you off?” “What did you think when I said I didn’t want to take that trip?” Clarifying does not involve belittling, manipulating or coercing your partner in any way. Its purpose is to tell the speaker that you are engaged in listening and want to know more about specific points.
• Giving feedback involves providing your personal thoughts on what your partner has said, without succumbing to the obstacles to good listening. You calmly state your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This gives your partner yet another chance to see if you got the message and to check out the accuracy of his or her communication. And perhaps your partner can gain a new or broader perspective on what was talked about.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Obstacles to Good Listening

Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look into how you deal with the world. If you tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward other people most of the time, it may be hard to engage in healthy and open listening. The same holds true if you need to please others or form dependent relationships with other people much of the time – it becomes hard to truly hear what they are trying to say…and you will hear only what you need to hear.

Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed.

Being Judgmental: When you have already made a negative judgment about someone, you will stop listening openly to what they have to say. You may listen only to gather evidence that supports your negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, if you are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, you will stay locked into your negative opinion.

Rehearsing: Your mind actively creates your argument against the speaker’s point of view as it is being presented. This implies that you have your own established opinions and that you are closed to what the other has to say.

Filtering: You will hear some things that the other person talks about, but not everything. There may be some topics, like the speaker’s anger toward you, which you simply block out because you aren’t as ready to deal with them as the other person might be. Filtering may be helpful when it is used to lessen the impact of bringing up an avoided topic, but continuing it for long usually means that it is best to examine the meaning behind your need to shut out some of the information.

Advising: Sometimes people just need to be heard. We don’t have to fix every problem the other person talks about. Giving advice instead of just listening may make us feel needed, or it may be a way of distancing ourselves from hearing the other’s true feelings. To tell someone else how they should feel or behave can be a way of belittling them or telling them that they are not to be trusted. Unless advice is asked for, it may be best not to give it.

Mind Reading: You may disregard what your partner is saying and try to figure out what he or she is really trying to say. You are acting like an expert on your partner’s feelings, but this deprives your partner of the ability to communicate freely and with candor – and for you to understand your partner’s stated point of view.

Pleasing:< You are so concerned about being nice, keeping the peace, and placating that you’ll jump in to agree just to keep everything happy and smooth. It may be helpful to look into why you feel compelled to do this and what it might mean for your relationship. Again, the desire to please prevents you from hearing what your partner really needs to say.

Deflecting: Whenever a certain topic is brought up that you feel uncomfortable with, you redirect the conversation to something else. You’ll tell a joke or change the subject, even if the topic is of genuine concern to your partner.

A Listening Exercise for Couples

Reciprocal listening is a powerful tool for couples who need to improve their communication. Couples who try this may become aware of how limited their communication has been in the past. They also learn an effective technique, which can increase the respect, trust, and intimacy of their relationship. This exercise may seem structured and perhaps contrived at first, but stay with it. The rewards can be immense.

The couple decides on a minor disagreement that they need to talk about. Each partner takes turns being either the speaker or the listener. The speaker has five minutes to speak without interruption. As speaker, talk about the problem as you see it. Present your argument briefly and stick to the point. Be sure to use “I statements” to present your views and don’t place the blame on your partner (that is, just talk about how you feel about the conflict without putting your partner in a defensive position). After five minutes your partner (the listener) will verbally summarize what he or she has heard. This allows the speaker to let the listener know if anything has been left out or if it has been misinterpreted. Keep going until the speaker feels that the point has been completely heard.

As the listener, pay close attention to what is being said and try to attune yourself to your partner’s needs. When you summarize what your partner has said, make sure you don’t disagree, argue, or criticize. Just repeat what you have heard.

Now switch positions. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener, the speaker. Follow the same procedures until the new speaker feels satisfied that his or her position has been understood. It is important to avoid letting this exercise turn into an argument. Because this is such a powerful way of learning to listen and to communicate better, many people prefer to try it with a therapist present, at least for the first few attempts.

The impact on the lives of those who practice infidelity is enormous. It violates the integrity, trust, and commitment upon which marriage is based. When two people enter into a committed relationship, they make a promise to love and honor each other. This involves making a heart-felt promise to work through the problems that are sure to arise within the relationship. To break that promise means dishonoring the trust of the person who has agreed to live with you and build a life together. When an extramarital affair is discovered, a crisis ensues. Now the question is – can this relationship continue? In more than half the cases, the relationship does end – but, depending on how this crisis is dealt with by both partners, the relationship does have a chance to continue. In some cases, this relationship crisis serves as a watershed event that opens the door to self-examination and honest communication that may put the relationship on stronger ground.

Whether infidelity leads to the negative outcome of the dissolution of the relationship or, at the other extreme, a more positive outcome with a stronger commitment and better communication depends on many factors. One important variable is whether the partner who is unfaithful came from a family with infidelity. People with parents who were unfaithful are at higher risk for infidelity within their own relationships – although this is certainly not always the case, and many people from these families are determined never to repeat their parent’s mistake. Yet we learn many things in our families of origin, and one of those is to copy the behavior of our parents – and sometimes to act out our unresolved issues.

Another factor that may determine whether a relationship can survive infidelity is the nature of the affair. Some affairs lack any emotional commitment, while others involve a deeper level of intimacy and connection than is found within the primary relationship. While a marriage or relationship may survive the former, as long as the underlying issues are brought out into the open and worked through, the latter type is not as hopeful. The couple would have to put in a great deal of work to save this relationship.

The serial affair, for example, involves many one-night stands or a series of affairs. This type of affair lacks emotional commitment and intimacy, and the motive is often sexual excitement. These affairs usually occur out of town or away from areas where friends might find out about them. A sex addiction might be present in serial affairs. Although a person who engages in serial affairs is not interested in establishing an emotional investment with his or her partners, there is also a lack of attention paid to the vow of fidelity within the primary relationship – and this is a serious issue that must be addressed if the relationship is to continue.

The more formidable threat to a primary relationship is the romantic long-term affair. In this case, there is an emotional commitment to an outside partner, and some of these affairs can last for several years. If the primary relationship is to have any chance of surviving, the affair should come to an end. If the affair were to continue, the straying partner would likely not have the emotional energy or motivation to repair the damage done to the main relationship. Some partners, however, allow the affair to go on and pretend not to know about it because they don’t want to end their primary relationship – but the price they pay is a high one.

Types of Affairs

There are many types of affairs, and couples should consider this information before making a decision to dissolve a marriage or other committed relationship.

Life Transitions

Relationships go through stages involving loss and then gain – and each of these transitions is accompanied by anxiety. The birth of a child, career demands, middle age, and retirement are typical life transitions that have an impact on each partner and on the relationship itself. When we enter into a committed relationship, we bring with us various idealized images of what our lives will be like and how we will relate with our partner. When these ideals are disrupted by a life transition, we experience anxiety – and sometimes one of the partners will handle the anxiety by finding a different partner, just so the ideal can be maintained. Rather than facing the anxiety, making the adjustment to the life transition, and giving up old ideals in order to make room for the new realities, a person may find a new love interest, all in a futile attempt to avoid making necessary changes.

Unrealistic Expectations

Our parents’ marriage serves as our role model for what we expect to find, or to avoid, in our own marriage. Our partners, similarly, bring their own set of expectations into the marriage – and often the two different expectations come into conflict. This conflict may not be apparent initially, but over time it becomes a major focus of the relationship. It is at this point that we may try to change the behavior of our partner so that it conforms to our own expectations. Trying to change our partner’s way of living, of course, is wrongheaded and usually only brings more conflict into the relationship. The better option is to examine our own expectations and to make adjustments in our own behavior. But this may be difficult – and some people opt to go outside of the relationship in order to find someone who meets their own expectations.

The Cry for Help

Some people have no intention of leaving their relationship, but they find themselves blocked in dealing with an unbearable aspect of the relationship. They may feel that they have exhausted all other options in trying to correct the problem, and they finally play their strongest card, which is to have an affair, and then let their partner know about the affair – as if to say, “See, I’ve been trying to tell you all along how much I hurt. Now do you hear me?” Rather than place the relationship in jeopardy through the acting out of frustrations, the better option is to work with a professional therapist to learn how to deal with frustration in a more productive way.

Breakdown in Communication

During the course of a relationship there are often times when the two partners stop communicating with the depth and intensity that characterized their earlier years. This could be because one partner feels that he or she has outgrown the other in terms of social activities, career advancement, emotional growth, or intellectual pursuits. Or it could be because one of the partners is geographically removed, ill, or otherwise unavailable. Or there might be a sexual dysfunction, which could be due to a physical problem or lack of communication. Rather than working on ways to enhance communication or correct the problem, one of the partners may turn outside the relationship to find another partner.

The Exit Strategy

Some people have made a decision to leave their relationship and having an affair is their strategy for making the break. They have an affair in order to make their partner angry enough to initiate the breakup. Or some may see the affair as a way of getting into therapy so that the therapist can ease the transition into the dissolution of the relationship. And some may have an affair so that they have a source of support from their new partner as they go through the leave-taking.

Life After the Affair

Although many marriages are unable to survive infidelity, some do – and many of the surviving marriages emerge stronger after the crisis of infidelity.

The first course of action when you learn about your partner’s infidelity is to find a professional therapist who can be with you as you try to cope with the emotional turmoil that accompanies this crisis. You will need to make rational decisions in a tumultuous time, and, depending on whether your decision is to end the relationship or to salvage it, your therapist will help you to go through the stages of the decision-making process in a supportive and confidential way. Many of us have no experience in how to rebuild our lives after devastation occurs, and therapeutic support is an invaluable part of the process.

We need to examine why the affair occurred and then to make a decision about whether we feel we can remain in the relationship or not. We need to examine our partner’s motive for engaging in infidelity. We need to see how the affair is going to affect the relationship in the future, and whether we can live with that. We need to decide whether communication can be enhanced, or not, in the event that we decide to repair the problems. We need to examine both the positive and negative aspects of a divorce (in general, divorce is a profoundly painful experience for most people, including children).

Consider the following – If you are mature enough to love, you should be mature enough to live up to the demands of your commitment to your partner. Life is never perfect. “The most valuable, most enduring lesson we can learn … is about facing our past with gratitude and our future with confidence, even as we carry with us the memories of dreams that never came true. There are other, more attainable dreams waiting for us.” (Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, in Overcoming Life’s Disappointments, 2006)

Dealing with Children in the Event of a Divorce

Children are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce. They tend to handle the divorce better, however, when both parents cooperate and act in their children’s best interest. Both parents should be present when the children are told, and the mood should be calm, rational, and supportive. Hostility between the parents should be avoided. They should not be told about the affair at this time. Keep in mind that children often feel responsible for their parent’s divorce. They may feel that their misbehavior was the cause of the divorce. They need to be assured repeatedly, both when they are told about the divorce and then throughout the divorce process, that the divorce is not their responsibility, and that they will always be loved by both parents.

Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris, in their book, Surviving Infidelity, provide guidelines for helping children through the process of a divorce -

1. Children should be told of the decision jointly by both parents without hostility or anger.
2. They should not be put in the middle of adult conflicts by telling them of the affair.
3. Children need to know they are not responsible for the breakup of the marriage.
4. Children should be told that it is the parents’ decision, and they cannot change it.
5. Children need to know their parents still love them even though they no longer love each other.
6. Children should be given concrete information about how their lives will change.
7. Parents should listen to children’s concerns, and try to minimize disruption in their lives.
8. Children should not be asked to take sides, carry messages, or become your confidants.
9. Children should be given permission to love and enjoy the relationship with your former spouse and his or her family. Try to find positive things to say about them.

Recommended Reading

Subotnik, Rona, and Gloria G. Harris. Surviving Infidelity (Second Edition), 1999, 224 pages, ISBN: 9781580621373.

Psychologists have known for decades that rewarding behavior can increase the frequency of the behavior in a very predictable manner. But there are downsides to rewards. In rats as well as humans, a behavior modified by rewards tends to decrease when the evaluator is not present. Worse yet, rewards deaden children’s innate motivation, an effect we find in math, reading, the arts, and virtually every behavior we’ve studied in a natural setting. It reduces creativity and seems to jar the internal compass, as highly praised children start to train their attention to those with the power, status, and resources to reward and praise, giving away their own judgment and reducing self-monitoring.

Rewards and praise have taken root in our society as useful tools because they are good at modifying narrow, well-defined behaviors. But the fact remains they are not very helpful in producing useful, creative, self-motivated citizens. What to do instead? Encourage, don’t praise. See this February 2007 article in New York magazine for a reporters take on the topic and then consider the methods below for encouraging your child.

Use phrases to demonstrate ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Help your child learn to evaluate her own progress, and make her own decisions. Do not focus on having your child please you. Be specific in your comments.

Examples of encouraging statements and ways *not* to say, “Good job.”:

“Way to go!” or “Thumbs up!”

“It looks like you enjoyed that.”

“I’m glad you’re pleased with your work.”

“Those are neat colors that you chose for your picture.”

“Your whole team seemed to have a blast at that game.”

Common times to use these phrases: _almost anytime, in response to artwork, athletics, homework, school projects, or any time you used to say “good job”_.

Use phrases that show CONFIDENCE: Help your child develop willingness to try things, be responsible for her own behavior. Teach him to have the courage to be imperfect.

“You can do it!” or “You’ll make it!”

“You can do hard things.”

“Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

“I trust your judgement.”

“I think this agreement on a schedule for quiet/study-time will help us all.”

Common times used: joining new activity or group, facing peer or sibling conflicts, when going off and trying a new agreement set with parents or a new job responsibility.

Use phrases of APPRECIATION: Help your child feel that his contribution counts, and her talents and efforts can be used for the good of all, not just personal gain. Help your child learn to feel glad for successes of others as well as for his own successes.

“Thanks, you helped a lot.”

“I really appreciated your cooperation.”

“I really enjoyed today. Thanks.”

“I could really use your help on _______________.”

“I had fun with you at the grocery store today.”

Common times used: during family meetings, after chores, after a family outing to the grocery store, after a mass at church, or after any outing that used to involve public tantrums.

Use phrases that recognize EFFORT: Help your child focus on what they can do. Help her recognize improvements in his work and develop persistence on difficult tasks.

“You really worked hard on that.”

“Look at the progress you’ve made.”

“You spent a lot of time thinking that through.”

“You’re really improving in these ways: _____________________.”

Common times used: in response to homework, report cards, when dealing with children who have attention deficits.

How to arrange for consequences: