Articles
Emotional Unavailability - When Your Partner Can't Connect
When we commit to a relationship, we usually expect that our partner will reciprocate with roughly the same level of emotional involvement that we put into it. Many of us hope to find a soulmate, a partner who can share and understand our feelings and ways of thinking on an intensely personal level. Others don’t expect such an intense level of involvement and feel more comfortable maintaining personal privacy within a more boundaried relationship. Conflicts may arise when the two...
Effective Listening
Communication requires one person to talk and, equally important, the other to listen. Our first thought, when we think about communication, may be to consider the speaker’s ability to convey ideas effectively. What we often forget is that without a listener the speaker may as well be talking to the wind. Just as effective speaking is an acquired skill, so is good listening. Some do it better than others. But all of us can learn to enrich our own listening...
Crisis of Infidelity
The single most destructive threat to a committed relationship is when one of the partners engages in a sexual relationship with another person. This is not an uncommon event. Conservative estimates suggest that about a quarter of women, and a third of men, have violated their marital commitment to their partners. About 65 percent of marriages struck by infidelity end in divorce. The impact on the lives of those who practice infidelity is enormous. It violates the integrity, trust, and...
Ratios Predicting Divorce and Marital Dissatisfaction
When we make a commitment to our partner, our usual expectation is that our relationship will last for life and that our love will see us through the inevitable hard times. Yet, when reality sinks in, we have to acknowledge that while love is one of the components of a relationship’s longevity, it really takes more to make it through the long haul. It takes community and family support (which isn’t as available as it once was in our society)...
Encourage, Don't Praise Your Child
We parents want to give or children high self-esteem and teach them to distinguish right from wrong. We’ve accepted the fact that too much criticism and punishment can breed resentment and is less effective than rewards. Our parenting culture now leans toward becoming children’s cheerleaders. We give trophies for non-competitive soccer games where there is no scoreboard but every player tracks the goals in their head and on the field with teammates. We don’t miss a chance to say, “Good girl,”...
Natural and Logical Consequences
The Goal of using consequences is to help our children learn self-discipline by allowing them to make choices and to be responsible for the results of those choices. How consequences are different from punishment: Consequences are clearly related to the misbehavior and are applied in a respecful manner. Consequences express a logical social order that de-emphasizes power and hierarchy. Consequences do not express moral judgment. Whenever possible, they are discussed and agreed upon before misbehavior occurs. Consequences are presented by a...
Bedtime Tips
Establishing a More Peaceful, Independent Bedtime Routine Set up a clear, consistent, time-limited bedtime routine. Set the stage for nighttime. Talk about why rest is important for growing bodies/and everyone. We relax our whole body: arms, fingers, legs, feet, toes, mouth, etc. Explain that this is time to relax/rest to get ready for a busy tomorrow. Tone of voice/Body language. Voice: calm, soft and relaxed. Talk to children softly and gently as you give directions/invite them to get pajamas, read a...
Children Should Show Respect, As Should Parents
As a family psychologist, I’ve found a common concern parents have about their children, even more common than the ubiquitous Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, is “disrespect.” From talking back to “having an attitude” to refusing to listen, disrespect is often at the top of the problem list parents bring to my office. I typically search for ways to move “disrespect” down the list some. It’s difficult to suggest putting the topic off until later, because respect is important, very important. But...