Have you been worried about your child’s confidence or motivation to try new things? Do you notice that your child has a hard time receiving your compliments? Or accepting imperfection?
If so, you are not alone. Your child may be in need of some daily doses of encouragement.
Childhood is an impressionable time of rapid growth and development, including aspects of identity formation at each developmental stage. Our children are constantly learning from the adults around them. They learn what is right, what is wrong, what is valued, and what the expectations are.
In the United States especially, we have become sensitive to how much children absorb during these formative years. As a result, our culture tends to lean heavily toward praising children as a way of guiding behavior and bolstering self-esteem. We say things like:
“Good job.”
“Well done.”
“I’m proud of you.”
Of these phrases, “good job” is by far the most common. It is so common that many of us say it automatically, without much of a thought. However, these phrases unintentionally place ourselves in a position of judgment over the child. We become the ones who determine whether their actions are good or bad. This evaluation of the child can overshadow the child’s experience and independent judgment, and crowd out internalizing aspects of learning, play, and exploration.
To be clear, praise is certainly better than criticism or belittling. But there is a richer and more meaningful approach – encouragement.
The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement
Though they may sound similar, encouragement is not the same as praise. Praise evaluates the child’s performance. Encouragement notices the child’s effort, experience, and contribution. Instead of judging the outcome, words of encouragement focus on what the child did, felt, or discovered along the way.
For example, instead of saying:
“Good job.”
Encouragement might sound like:
“It looks like you worked really hard on that.”
“I noticed how focused you were during the game.”
“It seems like you take pride in your work.”
Encouragement shifts the focus away from adult approval and toward the child’s own experience.
Join and Acknowledge Your Child’s Experience
When we acknowledge what a child is feeling or noticing, we help them learn to evaluate their own progress. Instead of trying to please the adult, they begin reflecting on their own thoughts and feelings about what they have done.
This also allows parents to celebrate a child’s strengths, share in their interests, and remain curious about their experience without immediately judging it.
Encouragement might include:
“How do you feel about it?”
“It looks like you enjoyed that.”
“I see you’re pleased with your work.”
“You chose a lot of red in your picture.”
“We all enjoyed the game.”
These questions and statements communicate interest and curiosity. They invite the child to reflect on their experience rather than trying to determine whether the adult approves.
Encouragement Builds Confidence
Encouragement also communicates confidence in a child’s ability to face challenges.
When children sense that adults trust their judgment and believe in their abilities, they become more willing to try difficult things and accept mistakes as part of learning. Encouragement promotes the courage to be imperfect while continuing to grow.
Encouraging language might include:
“You can do difficult things.”
“Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“I’m sure you’ll work it out.”
“I trust your judgment.”
“You can do it.”
These messages communicate belief in the child’s ability to navigate challenges and to make a courageous effort even when the going gets rough and the outcome is not guaranteed.
Encouragement Appreciates Contribution
Another powerful aspect of offering encouragement is the recognition of how a child contributes to others.
Children thrive when they feel that they matter and that their efforts make a difference. When we acknowledge their contribution, we help them see that their abilities can be used for the good of others – not just for personal recognition.
Encouragement might sound like:
“Thanks, you helped a lot.”
“I really appreciated your cooperation.”
“I really enjoyed today. Thank you.”
“I could really use your help with this.”
“I appreciated your patience at the grocery store today.”
These kinds of statements help children understand that they are an important part of the family or group. Their contributions matter.
Encouragement Recognizes Effort
One of the most powerful forms of encouragement is recognizing effort and persistence.
Children need to learn that progress matters more than perfection. When we acknowledge effort, we help children focus on what they can do, recognize improvement, and develop persistence when tasks become difficult.
Encouraging statements might include:
“You really worked hard on that.”
“Look at the progress you’ve made.”
“You spent a lot of time thinking that through.”
“You’re really improving in these ways…”
When effort is recognized, children begin to see that growth happens through patience, practice, and perseverance.
Encouragement Helps Children Feel They Belong
At its heart, encouragement helps children develop a sense of belonging and significance.
When we join a child in their experience by acknowledging their feelings, their effort, and their contributions, we help them see that they matter.
And importantly, we do this without placing ourselves in the role of judge.
Instead of telling children whether they are good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, encouraging words help the child reflect on their own experiences and develop their own sense of pride.
Far more valuable than simple approval, children develop an inner compass.
Consider the Power of Encouragement
Think of a specific experience you have had when you felt discouraged, perhaps by someone’s expectations, a set standard, or a societal norm that worked against you.
Play that memory through your mind like a short video and consider the following questions:
What did you think and feel about yourself?
What did you think and feel about the person who discouraged or limited you?
What did you think and feel about the task you were trying to accomplish?
Now think of another experience – one in which you were encouraged, listened to, and supported.
Again, play that memory through your mind like a short video and answer the same questions about the encouragement you received.
Most people notice something important when they reflect on these moments. Encouragement tends to build confidence, motivation, and emotional connection, while discouragement often creates doubt, frustration, or withdrawal.
When we shift from evaluation to encouragement, we help children develop confidence not only in what they do, but in who they are becoming.