“Should I get a divorce?”
It is a surprisingly common question people ask themselves.
Maybe you have asked it after another unproductive argument with your spouse.
Maybe you have asked it lying awake at night, wondering how your marriage became so distant.
Maybe you have asked it after looking at your spouse across the room and realizing you feel more like roommates than partners.
Or maybe you have asked Google, ChatGPT, a friend, a family member, a spiritual leader, or a therapist because you are exhausted from trying to answer the question alone.
When someone begins to wonder whether to divorce, the painful part is often the uncertainty about the decision. One day, you feel sure you cannot keep living this way and must end the relationship. The next day, you reflect on your family, your history, or the life you built together, and the problems divorce would bring.
This back-and-forth of uncertainty can feel maddening.
Many people assume the question is simple: should I stay or should I leave?
But for many couples, there is a third place between staying and leaving.
The Short Answer
Of course, the decision rests on your shoulders.
Other people can offer perspective, support, wisdom, and guidance. But they do not live inside your marriage. They do not know the full story of your relationship or your inner life.
Instead of asking, “Should I get a divorce?” The better question may be: “Have I gained enough clarity to make this decision well?”
Some people decide to work on the marriage. Others decide to divorce. And a third group realizes they are not yet ready to decide.
For this category of ambivalent couples, Discernment Counseling can be especially helpful. Discernment Counseling is designed for couples where one or both partners are uncertain about whether to stay married or move toward divorce. It is not marriage counseling. It does not pressure anyone into staying, nor does it push anyone toward divorce.
Rather, discernment counseling is designed to help both partners understand how they came to the current state of the marriage and what each person contributes to it. Each partner gains insight that will help them should they choose to work on the marriage or will help them in the next relationship should they choose for divorce. The couple slows down, looks inward, and gains clarity, eventually moving out of ambivalence and into action.
Why the Divorce Decision Feels So Difficult
The question, “Should I get a divorce?” is difficult because it is rarely only about the present moment.
It is about the past – What happened to us? How did we get here? Were we ever really happy? Did I ignore warning signs? Did we lose something that cannot come back?
It is about the future – What will happen to the children? Where will I live? Will I regret leaving? Will I regret staying? What if I never find love again? What if my life is better on the other side?
It is about identity – Am I someone who gets divorced? Am I someone who keeps trying? Am I giving up? Am I finally being honest with myself and my spouse?
It is about grief – Even considering divorce often means grieving the marriage you thought you were going to have. It means facing the possibility that the story may not end the way you once hoped.
At its core, this decision is one that fundamentally alters nearly every aspect of your life.
The Third Path Nobody Talks About: Ambivalence
Working on the marriage or choosing to divorce are the obvious options.
But often, people spend a long time living a third option: Ambivalence.
When ambivalent, you are not fully committed to divorce, but you are also not fully committed to repairing the relationship.
Though it sounds like simple indecisiveness, in many cases, this ambivalence actually makes sense as a third choice.
You may be ambivalent because you still love your spouse, but you are exhausted by the unproductive conflict.
You may be ambivalent because you want your children to have an intact family, but you do not want them to grow up watching a cold or hostile marriage.
You may be ambivalent because part of you believes the marriage could change, while another part is afraid to hope again.
You may be ambivalent because you do not want to hurt your spouse, but you also do not know how much longer you can keep living the way you are living.
Ambivalence deserves honest consideration.
Because ambivalence is not just a feeling. Ambivalence is an active choice.
It is a choice to remain between the two painful options of staying and leaving. It often feels safer than either path because it postpones the pain of commitment. If you do not choose to work on the marriage, you do not have to risk being disappointed or hurt again. If you do not choose divorce, you do not have to face the grief, disruption, and unknowns of leaving.
Ambivalence creates a sense of protection from worst-case scenarios.
But ambivalence has consequences too.
How Ambivalence Affects the Relationship
Ambivalence does not stay quietly inside one person.
It becomes part of the relationship.
One spouse may feel like they are standing at the edge of the marriage, wondering whether to step out. The other spouse may feel like they are trying to hold the marriage together with both hands, terrified that any wrong move will make things worse.
The relationship becomes tense, uncertain, and emotionally uneven.
Conversations become loaded.
A simple question like, “How was your day?” can feel strange because both people know a much bigger question is sitting underneath the surface.
Do we still have a future?
Are you still here?
Are we working on this?
Are we just waiting for it to end?
Ambivalence can make ordinary moments feel fragile. A decent weekend may create hope. A bad argument may feel like proof that the marriage is over. A kind gesture may confuse things. A harsh comment may feel like the final straw.
Leaning In and Leaning Out
As a discernment counselor, I identify each partner as either “leaning-in” or “leaning-out”.
The leaning-in partner wants to preserve the marriage. They may be anxious, hurt, angry, or afraid, but they are still hoping the relationship can be repaired.
The leaning-out partner is considering divorce. They may not be fully decided, but they are no longer sure they want to work on the marriage.
This dichotomy between partners can create a strained imbalance.
The leaning-in partner often feels desperate. They may want marriage counseling right away. They may want reassurance, commitment, a plan, or even just some signs that their spouse is willing to work on the marriage. They may feel like the more distant their spouse becomes, the harder they need to work in pursuit of fixing the marriage.
The leaning-out partner often feels pressured. They may worry that agreeing to marriage counseling means they are promising to stay. They may also worry that if they lean in too much, they will be pulled back into a relationship they are not sure they want. They may feel guilty for hurting their spouse and frustrated that they cannot simply make themselves feel differently. In short, the risks of staying loom large for this spouse.
Both partners are usually hurting. But they are hurting in different ways.
The leaning-in partner often feels vulnerable to loss.
The leaning-out partner is cautious about staying and needs space.
The leaning-in partner wants movement toward repair.
The leaning-out partner wants room to decide.
Without understanding this difference, couples often begin reacting to each other instead of understanding what is actually happening.
The leaning-in partner may push harder.
The leaning-out partner may withdraw further.
The more one reaches, the more the other pulls away.
This does not mean the marriage is hopeless. But it may mean the couple is not ready for traditional marriage counseling yet. They likely need clarity first and foremost.
Marriage Counseling Is Not Always the Right First Step
Many people assume that if a couple is considering divorce, the obvious next step is marriage counseling.
If both partners are willing to fully engage in the process with a similar goal of improving the relationship, marriage counseling is very helpful. The work is built around improving communication, rebuilding trust, increasing connection, repairing old and fresh hurt, and changing patterns. That can be powerful work.
But if one partner is still deciding whether they want the marriage, the couple is not ready for that process of marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling can become frustrating for both partners when the ambivalence has not yet been solved. It can be a setup for lukewarm, set-to-fail marriage counseling. Both people leave feeling like counseling failed, when in reality marriage counseling was not the right step in the first place.
The issue may not be that the marriage is beyond help.
The more likely issue is that the couple needs to be asking a different question first.
Not, “How do we fix this?”
But, “Are we both willing to work on fixing this?”
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term counseling process for couples who are uncertain about the future of their marriage and stuck in ambivalence.
The purpose of discernment counseling is not to solve the problems in the marriage. The purpose is to gain clarity about which path the couple will take.
In discernment counseling, there are three possible paths:
Path One: Ambivalence – Stay as things are for now. This means no change is made yet. The couple remains in the marriage without committing to a focused effort at repair or divorce. This is often where couples begin discernment counseling, but it is rarely where they want to remain indefinitely.
Path Two: Move toward separation or divorce. This means one or both partners decide the marriage is ending, and the focus becomes moving forward as thoughtfully and respectfully as possible, with new insight about self to set you up for a good co-parenting relationship with each other and a better chance should you marry someone else in the future.
Path Three: Commit to a serious effort to repair the marriage. This usually means committing to marriage counseling for a defined period of time, with divorce off the table during that time, so both partners can fully engage in the work being fully leaned-in.
Discernment counseling helps each person consider these paths honestly.
It includes individual time with the therapist, because each partner needs space to think, reflect, and speak freely. Each person is invited to examine their role in the relationship, their hope for change, their fears about divorce, their concerns about children and finances, and what they truly desire in a relationship.
This insight is valuable no matter what path is chosen.
If the couple chooses marriage counseling, they enter with more commitment and focus.
If the couple chooses divorce, the decision is clearer and less reactive.
If the couple remains uncertain, they discover a deeper understanding of what is keeping them stuck.
Clarity Is Different from Certainty
When asking the question “Should I get a divorce?” many people want to feel certainty before deciding. That makes sense. Divorce is a major decision.
However, the more realistic goal is clarity.
Certainty says, “I have no doubts.”
Clarity says, “I have carefully examined my decision, and I trust my judgment and the decision I’ve made.”
That distinction matters.
A person can choose to work on their marriage with clarity, even while feeling fear.
A person can choose to divorce with clarity, even while still grieving what is being lost.
The opposite of ambivalence is not perfect certainty. The opposite of ambivalence is a thoughtful commitment to a path.
Whether that path leads you toward repairing your marriage or moving toward divorce, clarity allows you to stop living between two futures and begin moving forward with peace, purpose, and hope.
