If you are a straight married man and looking for a little concrete advice for achieving mind-blowing sex, keep reading. You’ve stumbled onto the right article. By Cosmo and Maxim standards, I’m no sex expert. I won’t (and can’t) list the top 50 techniques that will send her into orbit and keep her coming back for more. But you don’t need 50 such tips. After a few years together most couples already know each others’ buttons and push them in all the right sequences to fire the rockets and achieve lift off. Mechanically flipping sexual systems into high gear is part of what stales the sexual relationship, and mixing up the sequence helps only for a time. So put the sex-tricks strategy aside for a minute and open your eyes to an infinite horizon of fresh and vibrant sex regardless of your marital stage and age.
Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell
Not only are men often more easily aroused than women, they often want sex in order to connect whereas women more often want to connect in order to have sex. This can easily set up the familiar dynamic of men asking for it and women happily obliging, acquiescing, or rejecting. Too often this is the primary feedback we get: yes, OK, or no. Go for more by opening up a conversation with genuine and gentle curiosity. That’s right. Stop asking for it and ask about it. As a family psychologist and marriage counselor board certified in sex therapy, I regularly see couples mutually disappointed with their sex lives resurrect passion and desire with a series of calm, honest conversations about sex. It is a subject too often broached only in conflict. Think about it. How often do you and your wife to talk frankly about sex when it is not prompted by some disappointment or disagreement? Conversation about sex outside of conflict and humor is generally lacking in marriages.
Sex Talk
The timing of your pro-active sex talks is important. You must not broach the subject at a time that might suggest you are initiating a sexual encounter. Over a private meal and during a walk are fine opportunities. Talking right after sex can be ideal, especially if she has indicated that it was particularly good for her. The second step is to ask an exploratory question, one that invites your wife to explore meaning, value, and preferences. Here are some sample questions:
“What role do you think sex plays in our marriage?”
“Can you recall the best sex we’ve ever had? I wonder what was so good about it.”
“What does sex mean to you? What meaning do you think I ascribe to sex?
“If our sex-life spontaneously started to change in a good direction, what would be the initial signs of improvement?”
How to Ask for Sex
In our culture, we men are a bit handicapped when it comes to verbally expressing thoughts, meaning, and emotions related to interpersonal connection, but that is exactly what is called for here. In a new romantic relationship, attraction is facilitated by a brain bath of hormones which predictably fades in 6 to 12 months. After that, the secret to keeping sex passionate and fresh is in the meaning, connection, and cooperative creativity of sexual pleasure. Married men must make these elements a priority.
Badgering and begging are a signs you are well off course. Speak her language and become conversant in her sexual meaning system, but also be able to express your desire, and especially your gratitude, for what you get from sex. Physical release and climax aren’t enough. Contextualizing sex as a physical need can come across as coercive. You must get more personal or, better yet, interpersonal. Does sex mean you are accepted, desirable, appreciated, intimate, masculine, free, powerful, vulnerable? Share this with her so she knows she is providing you something of richer meaning, not just giving you her body or getting you off. Sure women want to be sexy as much as men, but your wife wants to know you are pursuing her for more than erotic arousal. So consider your own emotional/sexual development and boost your EQ in these matters. Even ask her to help you explore these areas of self-understanding.
When you have connected with your partner in this manner, initiating sex is initiating love-making that will take you to an exhilarating experience beyond your common emotional, physical, and psychological ways of being. The very “going beyond” with another is where enduring passion and eroticism arises.
Position Yourself for Something New
Emotional and psychological connection often leads to the freedom to experiment. Resentment and unconscious fear of rejection, awkwardness, judgement, and underperformance fades while creativity surges. By creativity, I’m referring to spontaneity and emotional and physical absorption, not sexual gymnastics. At the very least, connection opens space for you to share, “You know what I’ve always wanted to try?”
If diversity is still lacking, get some ideas from outside sources. I recommend Salsa Cards (mild, medium, and spicy) from the Gottman Institute at www.Gottman.com for introducing new ideas into your love-making, but a book from the sex/romance bookshelf at your local bookstore may do just as well. The general rules of thumb are that either person has guilt-free veto power, and that the more adventuresome partner is better off taking the more modest partner’s pace of change. Don’t be surprised if her initial focus is on foreplay and making the most of the afterglow of sex (a.k.a. after-play). If you are the less adventurous one, focus on what would give you the security and desire to sample some adventure. Hint: in my professional work, I’ve noticed the low-libido man is often in search of appreciation and less criticism.
Just Do It
If the emotional and psychological approach of this article strikes you as airy or esoteric, I urge you to simply start a conversation with your wife at a neutral time. You don’t have to analyze things to death. Just take one of the sample questions above and put it out there. Start a dialogue. Just do it and see what develops.
To schedule marriage counseling or sex therapy with Dr. Petersen, you may do so online here or call 574-280-8199.